Self-worth (or self-esteem your sense of your worth or value)

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
Maria Robinson

Increasing our sense of self-worth is often the most important and first job of a therapy process. Here are some important techniques that can help us get back to a core belief that we are lovable and worth it!

Building Self-worth

·     Stay focused on worth from BEING rather than worth from DOING (human being vs. human doing).

·     Make time to ponder and discover your life’s purpose and how to consistently live that purpose.

·     Make peace with your life’s “failures”, things that happened or things about you that you’re ashamed of and would like to take back or be different if you could. Exercise the COAL approach, curious, open, accepting and loving kindness on these failures.

·     Commit to complete honesty – having integrity and living your values builds self-worth.

·     Successfully challenge your inner critic using affirmations and positive statements including: I love and accept myself completely; I feel valued and special; I am a worthy and capable person. You must intentionally choose hope in challenging situations. In moments of negative self-talk, ask yourself if you would say something like that to your friend or child. If not, change it to a loving statement!

·     Find experiences of feeling unconditional love, respect, and positive regard (being with people, being in places, or placing yourself in situations where you can experience this love – friends, family, nature, significant places, etc.).

·     Create opportunities to experience success. Take your time and be creative! A sense of accomplishment is a powerful tool for feeling better about yourself.

·     Take time to learn how to manage your anxiety and create a greater sense of safety in life, shifting from a fear foundation to a love foundation.

·     Exercise! The purpose of working out is to enhance our quality of life. Exercise should be empowering and a celebration of all that your body can achieve. You cannot look good on the outside unless you feel good on the inside. Refocus your fitness goals from lowering numbers on the scale or trying to be like others to a deeper purpose, such as feeling stronger and healthier. Exercise will then be a blessing, rather than a burden.

·     Develop and maintain an attitude of gratitude, which can be done by keeping a gratitude journal of writing down 3 things daily you are genuinely thankful for.

·     Forgive yourself by accepting the good, the bad and the ugly of your life. Fully accept every part of yourself including my flaws, fears, behaviors, and qualities you might not be too proud of. This is how you are and are at peace with that.

·     Remind yourself of the following:

• You no longer need to focus on only pleasing other people
• No matter what people do or say, and regardless of what happens outside of you, you alone control how you feel about yourself
• You have the power to respond to events and circumstances based on your internal sources, resources, and resourcefulness, which are the reflection of your true value
• Your value comes from inside, from an internal measure that you’ve set for yourself

o  Stop comparing yourself to others!

·     Take responsibility for your life and for everything that happens to you without giving your power and agency away. This includes responsibility for your feelings and emotions and doing what works more than doing what doesn’t. Acknowledge that you have the personal power to change and influence the events and circumstances of your life. Remove and change those things that make you feel worse!

·     Listen to meditations that boost self-worth (Google search) or watch YouTube videos or ted talks on the subject

·     Increase your self-understanding, including what your Higher Power feels about you.

·     Author and self-growth guru Adam Sicinski recommends five vital exercises for developing and maintaining self-worth.
Imagine that everything you have is suddenly taken away from you (i.e., possessions, relationships, friendships, status, job/career, accomplishments and achievements, etc.):

o  Ask yourself the following questions:
a. What if everything I have was suddenly taken away from me?
b. What if all I had left was just myself?
c. How would that make me feel?
d. What would I actually have that would be of value?

o   Think about your answers to these questions and see if you can come to this conclusion: “No matter what happens externally and no matter what’s taken away from me, I’m not affected internally”

o  Next, get to know yourself on a deeper level with these questions:
a. Who am I? I am . . . I am not . . .
b. How am I?
c. How am I in the world?
d. How do others see me?
e. How do others speak about me?
f. What key life moments define who I am today?
g. What brings me the most passion, fulfillment, and joy?

o  Once you have a good understanding of who you are and what fulfills and satisfies you, it’s time to look at what isn’t so great or easy about being you. Ask yourself these questions:
a. Where do I struggle most?
b. Where do I need to improve?
c. What fears often hold me back?
d. What habitual emotions hurt me?
e. What mistakes do I tend to make?
f. Where do I tend to consistently let myself down?

o   Finally, take a moment to look at the flipside; ask yourself:
a. What abilities do I have?
b. What am I really good at?

Spend some time on each step, but especially on the steps that remind you of your worth and your value as a person (e.g., the strengths step).

·     Commit to learning more and reading books about self-worth such as

• The 21-Day Self-Love Challenge: Learn How to Love Yourself Unconditionally, Cultivate Self-Worth, Self-Compassion and Confidence by 21-Day Challenges
• Love Yourself: 31 Ways to Truly Find Your Self Worth & Love Yourself by Randy Young
• Self-Worth Essentials: A Workbook to Understand Yourself, Accept Yourself, Like Yourself, Respect Yourself, Be Confident, Enjoy Yourself, and Love Yourself by Liisa Kyle
• Self-Worth: Discover Your God-Given Worth [June Hunt Hope for the Heart Series] by June Hunt and Aspire Press
• Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
• Letting Go of Mr. Wrong: A Woman’s Guide to Realizing Her Self-Worth by Sonya Parker

o  Books by Nathaniel Branden which include: The Psychology of Self-Esteem, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, How to Raise your Self-Esteem, and Honoring the Self

Tools for grounding

·     Challenge the emotion! Don’t assume that feeling something makes it true. We are often misled by our emotions to do and think things that aren’t accurate or reality.

·     Identify the old narrative or story and make a conscious effort to change it by making new meaning and thinking something different.